Are you confused about that title? Yeah, me too.
My life hasn’t been one for the ages, nor has it been one I would wish on anyone under the sun.
Everything I thought I knew vanished instantly without warning or preparation. Funny how that goes…
Unworthy? Me. Unimportant? Me again. Underdog? Me again, again? Maybe it’s the optimism inside which makes no sense to be there still.
You see, if you looked up “loss” in the dictionary, my picture would be there. Depression? Yep, there too. But, why?!...you ask. Here’s the simplified version:
December 2014: My last grandparent passes away six days before my birthday. Loss.
February 2015: My previous wife calls off the marriage due to unfaithfulness on her part. Covenant broken.
May 2015: Divorced.
January 2016: My Mom almost dies from stage 4 colon cancer in the hospital out of nowhere.
January 2017: Mom dies from stage 4 colon cancer. Loss.
Summer 2018: My father was imprisoned for multiple charges of rape, etc. The man/father I thought I knew was fictitious my entire life. I never spoke to him again after his sentencing.
Thanksgiving 2020: The fictitious father dies in prison.
7 is the sign of completion, right?
Depression.
What didn’t I tell you in all that? Oh, the fact I “lost” my then wife, my dog, my newly built house, and a 6-figure career through the breaking of a covenant in divorce. Ah, the suicidal thoughts I had through the breaking of the covenant. Oh, I watched my mom wither away to nothing, cry-begging me to look away as she would puke up the gunk out of her lungs, cancer had metastasized into. Ah, maybe seeing her body violently convulse out that same gunk as she passed away. Oh, discovering the worst of my father and the devastation he left behind with my entire family still today.
God, why? And…why me?
Son of a Righteous and a Rapist: Son of a mother and a father. Now, do you see?
I heard a pastor recently ask these questions:
- What’s it like to sit in your loss?
- What’s it like to sit in your suffering?
- What’s it like for your flesh to find Jesus profoundly disappointing when you need him the most?
That last one got me. It reminded me of the time I felt that the most.
I remember feeling that way right after my ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce, and it was final. My mom at the time begged me to come to church, knowing I might find healing there. I somehow ended up in church the Sunday after. During worship, I clung to a Starbucks energy drink, looking around at people worshipping a God who I felt wasn’t there for me. I even had a conversation with him with brutal honesty. I told God I would never love him, praise him, do ministry for him, or tell people about him ever again with tears streaming down my face. All because “YOU. WEREN’T. THERE. FOR. ME. You said you would never leave me or forsake me. You lied.”
Yes, I said ALL of that. The week after would be one of the worst weeks of feeling separated from God.
But, somehow, I ended up back at church the following Sunday. Thanks, mom.
This time was different. During worship, again clinging to a Starbucks energy drink gazing at others around me, I had THE conversation.
“God, if you ever want me to love you again, praise you again, do ministry for you, and tell people about your “faithfulness,” then let me feel your presence. But not just the goosebumps, I want to feel you, right now physically.”
As soon as I said right now, a behemoth of a man over 6-foot tall, 300lbs, came out of nowhere and eclipsed me in a bear hug, saying, “God wanted me to tell you, he loves you.”
Me? He loves…me? Tears. SO many tears. I called God on his words, and he…was…faithful.
I didn’t know it yet, but “The Answer” preceded the start of a few more years of pain and heartache.
But, God knew I needed him. God knew if I turned away, the next few years would’ve taken me out. I know he knew it because I knew it. Yet, my faith was built in him before the fire. My faith increased walking through the fire. My faith will always be in the faithful, loving God.
“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:11-13).
My version: I can suffer all things yet overcome them through Jesus, who gives me resilience, love, and courage through faith.
Whether it’s the loss of a family member, a parent, or a covenant, you can get through it with Jesus. Wait until you hear about the other side in the next post.
As for now, I have a new title: Worthy Son of Faithful Father
Photo by Jaredd Craig on Unsplash
Wow!! Thank u for sharing ur pain and brokenness brother!! 💪🏻🙏💪🏻🙏